[Video]

[whatwas]

Merlin's gone.

[At least he's not breaking things this time. But if possible, he looks even worse than when Johannes left.]

I'm...I need a few days away.

[To sneak around with Yuca, yes, but also to heal broken heart do manly stuff like smash beer cans on his head instead of crying.]


Raven, can you look after Alice? Please?

Comments

/also placeholder

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[Other than that moment of laughter that Kotarou quickly cut off, he still hasn't been able to talk to Horst. But seeing this expression on his face scares him.

And it makes him angry.

A growl works under his breath, sharp teeth gritted. Only at the very edges of his eyes is it there, a hint of wetness, and then it's gone.]

Screw this. Screw all of this.

I'm sick of takin' it, and I'm especially sick -- [He grits his teeth, holding out a clawed finger towards Horst, through the camera.] of that look.

[Killua is like that. He has that look in his eyes sometimes, that beaten look like nothing ever going to be all right again, and Trisha has it, and Horst has it, and Usagi has it, and if he ever has to see it in Negi-]

I'm not takin' it.

[Oh, no. And with Kotarou, that means a fight.]

[Filtered]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

Hey, brat.

[She knows how he feels, down to a letter -- truly, she does. But this isn't going to help anyone, especially Kotarou himself.

And Asuna knows what that tone of his means.]

[x,y]

Meet me there or I'll come find you myself.

[Filtered]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

I don't need you to find me!

Stop actin' like you know everything!

[Heeeey misplaced anger.]

[Filtered]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

[Asuna only glares.

Yup. No yelling back or bickering.

Just a look.]

[Filtered]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[... and that takes the anger out of it for him, and leaves instead the feelings he doesn't want to think about. Because he's been here so long, and he can't do a damn thing to protect anybody-

Yeah. There they are. The edges of tears. Fighting and training don't help this. Before any can really come, he shuts off the feed.]

[Filtered]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

Kota --

[But the feed is off, and Asuna saw those tears, and that freaks her out more than anything, because Kotarou just doesn't cry.

She's coming to find you, kid. To beat you up and let you cry.]

[Filtered]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[Goddamnit. Goddamn everything. He's just out on a roof somewhere hugging his knees and feeling ten years old again and even LESS in control because this isn't just something stupid like losing a fight anymore.

And even worse, when Asuna finally DOES find him, he isn't done crying yet.]

[Offline]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

[Asuna scours Kotarou's best places before she finally finds him. She's remarkably quiet, stepping forward to sit next to him. At first, Asuna isn't sure if she should interrupt, but then --

She slings an arm around his shoulders, lightly, squeezing gently.]

What are you crying for?

[Offline]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[She pretty much knows all of them by now. He could probably fool her if he wanted, but by now he's too damn tired to shake her off. She won't give up, and he knows it.

The arm around his shoulders makes him wince for a second, but then he hunches his shoulders. His face is still buried in his knees. His nose is still running, and he sounds like it.]

M'not! I'm fine, dammit.

[Offline]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

[She's quiet for a second. Ugh, she's terrible at this. Konoka is much better. Or Negi.]

-- it's okay to be pissed off over what happened, you know. And upset.

[Offline]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[He buries his face in his knees, ears laid back in his hair. Normally he's full of fire, ready to take on the world, but now -- he looks like what he is. Just a really upset kid.]

... he just left us. Like we didn't matter at all. He just gave up like he... like he didn't have anythin' left.

He said --

[Kotarou swallows, hard. Because it sounds so stupid now. He almost doesn't want to admit it.]

... said we could still be like a family. Even after. And he gave up.

[Offline] 1/2

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

[It's tough, for kids without families. Asuna doesn't have one -- well, she supposes she did, but the memories are botched, broken -- Nagi and Arika -- ]

Look.

[She tightens her hold around his shoulders, for the briefest second.]

Sometimes people can't handle everything they've got to deal with. That doesn't make them bad people -- that just makes them normal. Yeah, it's screwed up, and it pisses me off that he gave up too -- [Mostly because it hurt Negi, Killua, and Kotarou so badly.] -- but not everyone's had to keep getting back up because we have to.

Sometimes people have a lot of pain and it makes them really selfish.

[Offline]

[exorcizans.livejournal.com]

[Then, her arm shifts, to hook around his neck to drag him into a noogie.]

So stop crying, stupid, you've got a family, alright?

[exarmatio]

[It's not often that he sees Kotarou genuinely angry, but he knows it when he sees it. And it sends shivers crawling up his spine.]

... Kotarou-kun.

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

... sick of it.

[Video//Private//Unhackable] TOOK ME SO LONG TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REPLY Kotaaa ;;

[ahandsomedevil.livejournal.com]

[Horst flinches at first--his reaction to being yelled at is usually sarcasm, a screaming match or violence.

But Kotarou has a point. He can't just take this. Merlin is the last fucking straw, the one he will never just be okay with losing. It's not a matter of 'anyone but him', but at the same time, he probably could have wallowed in misery and coped if it had been anyone but Merlin.

But he has an idea, at long last.]

No. Don't just take it, Kota.

I'm not either.

Fuck this.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

That's a lot better.

[He's still angry, so angry, but somehow, knowing Horst is angry too, won't take this, won't tolerate it, won't give up, that makes it better.]

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[ahandsomedevil.livejournal.com]

[He wishes he was there with him, so Kota could hit him--and then Horst could tackle him, hug him, do something, anything to try to make this better.

This, he'll think later, is what he really loved about being a father: caring so much more about someone else that he could even put aside his own loss.]

I won't give up again, Kotarou. Never.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[... and now, like this, with the only one here being Horst, his expression crumbles a little. He sets his jaw, refusing to tear up, instead trying to maintain a glare. He has memories -- false ones -- of Horst being there, of taking care of him when he was sick, of letting him ride on his shoulders when he was little, of laughing with him when he did stupid things.

He didn't even yell when he exploded that watermelon in the kitchen. Much.

But Horst fucked up a lot of trust with him, and no one distrusts so much as a young teenager. Especially Kotarou.

In the end though, he makes it simple for himself. Because being mad at him isn't fun.]

... promise?

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[ahandsomedevil.livejournal.com]

[Horst has made some stupid promises here. One for Yuca--that he wouldn't leave until the other was dead. One for Johannes....

And he told himself, after this fight with Yuca, he wasn't going to do that anymore. He couldn't keep promises. But he realizes now that he was wrong. He's incapable of disappointing Kotarou again.]

I swear it.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

[He ducks his head a little. No, he's not crying. Dammit.]

It sucked, being mad at you.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[ahandsomedevil.livejournal.com]

[Horst has to swallow a few times before he can pick up that smile again.]

I wasn't fond of it either.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

You gonna be okay now, you think?

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[ahandsomedevil.livejournal.com]

[He nods. He has to be, for Kota if nothing else.]

I'll be okay if you are.

[Video//Private//Unhackable]

[breakingurface.livejournal.com]

Me? I'm always fine. [He makes a fist. Even though that's pretty much a lie, he'll make it truer.]