whatwas | [Video]

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[The feed begins early in the morning, just before dawn. It's impossible to say who's recording, because all it captures is the sunrise. And it's beautiful; the colors are vivid, the day is cold and it makes everything that much sharper.

The sun climbs over the horizon at last and there's a flurry of dust across the screen. The PCD turns off when the feed times out.]

[OFFLINE: a note to Raven]

Hey, Spatzi.

I need to speak to the Higher Ups. Hold it together while I'm gone, ja?

[It's not signed because, well, she'll know who it was from.

There's also a note to Alphonse, saying simply, 'Sorry. Watch after Negi'. The few herbs Johannes left that Horst recognizes are mixed into sachets for Killua, Kotarou, and Negi. It encourages dreamless sleep.

If your name is Tyki, you get a key to Horst's bar and a note: 'Help yourself.']

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Hey.

He was supposed to get back up!

[His voice, at this point, is almost painfully shrill.]

Yeah, well. Sometimes people don't.

[Killua's own voice and the way he holds himself are a stark contrast to Negi. He's calm and quiet.]

But he... he can't just... give up like that...!

Why not? People do it all the time.

[Sorry, Killua, he can't quite respond to that for the tears.]

[Grief still fascinates her. She's crying a little, because Negi is.]

It'll be okay.

He's going to lose something for this! It's not going to be okay! Killing yourself is never an option!

Back home, new soldiers try to kill themselves. A lot. [A soft sniffle] What are we going to do when he comes back?

The only thing we can do is welcome him back with open arms, but...

[Give him a moment as he rubs his eyes. The tears are still coming, so it's not doing much good.]

... he's an idiot...

[She smiles sadly and nods.]

Grief makes people stupid. But you're better than him; I know you are. Because Killua knows it.

Grief...?

[Over those dreams?]

[Siiigh. Okay, Killua. Gon needs your levelheadedness. Maybe someone else can make use of it too. Just, take a deep breath, and pretend you're not ready to follow in Horst's footsteps.]

Besides. Who says he's giving up? Did he tell you why he was doing it?

... no, he didn't, but regardless, there's always another option!

I've tried to do it before. Y'know. I didn't manage it, but I tried.

It doesn't always matter if there's another option. Sometimes you can't allow yourself to do anything else. He's not stupid enough to give up this way 'cause he knows it's more likely that the animus'll bring him back than it is that he'll go home and forget. Here, death is just another tool, get it? He's using it to help himself out. It's just another way to fight.

Get it?

[And that does actually stop Negi.]

... it's a risky way of fighting.

If you can't take risks, you shouldn't be fighting.

... I can take risks, but... that's too big of a risk to take. What if you have something taken away that you didn't want taken away?

It doesn't matter how big the risk is. What matters is whether it's worth it.

...

Sometimes something is so important to a person that they're willing to give up everything and everyone for it. If you're the one he's willing to give up, you've just gotta trust that whatever he's trying to get out of it is just that important.

... I understand. I do.

But there are some people that I... could never willingly give up.

[Because that's just who he is. And unwillingly giving up memory of his father nearly broke him.]

...yeah.

[It's whispered under his breath. He'd been so close to going through with it himself before. He hadn't wanted to, would never want to, but in the end, some things really are more important. No matter how much he likes someone, wants to hang out with them as long as humanly possible, Killua Zoldyck would rather never see them again than be their downfall.]

... I'd give anything else to help someone, though.

...[He manages a small snort, not quite a laugh.]

Yeah. You would.

[... oh.]

Am I... really that predictable?

[He could make a joke out of this, but he's just not in the mood.]

Guys like you are the opposite of predictable.